The Leaning Tower of (insert your name here)

There are so many ways to understand one’s self… understanding how your family of origin affected you, the order of your birth compared to your siblings, personality tests, astrology, the era you were born in, genetics. What these things ultimately tell us are our tendencies. Which way are we likely to lean, which path are we likely to travel or not, what baggage might we be carrying?

I’ve found all those ways to get information helpful or encouraging at times and phooey at other times. In the end, the idea is to learn what makes you happy and gets you where you want to go.

The Leaning Tower of Pisa was built with foundation problems. Similarly, I’ve begun to see, through yoga, the importance of creating a firm foundation within ourselves. To accept I am responsible for my own stability (whether it be financial, emotional, physical) is powerful. This takes focused effort. It’s much easier to sit slouched in a chair than to sit on my sitting bones with my spine lifted up and my heart open. But in the end, the effort to do the latter will mean less work in the rest of my life because I’ve had the discipline to form a good body habit.

It’s helpful, for me at least, to ponder what is my stability and how to stay connected to or focused on that. Whether it’s time in meditation or prayer, eating well, exercising, or good companions… I’m learning more to weed out what doesn’t help me and nurture what does.

We all have tendencies. Some of them may be helpful and some may not. Just knowing what they are can be insightful. Part of this is also being open to how others see us, which can be very useful information. The less defensive we are, the more opportunity we have for true intimacy with others.

Sometimes when we’re focused on living in awareness, others may think we are self-absorbed, selfish or crazy. Exploring that can be good. I can get so into books about feeling better that what I really need to do is be present for a friend, take a walk or do something fun. That’s balance.

Don’t be a Leaning Tower. Be aware of your tendencies or leanings: stand up, lean to the left, lean to the right, lean forward, then backward and…
finally go to your center to find the flow and balance there!

Do NOT join the Resistance!

I’d like to think if I’d been born in the right place and time, I would have been part of the French Resistance. These comrades fought against the Nazi German occupation of France to help Allied forces and people in need.

Partially because of this idea of resistance, I’ve often thought of resistance as a good thing. So as I’ve encountered the word ‘resistance’ in my own life, it’s been an adjustment to realize resistance is not always something I want to join!

To understand resistance, it helps to first explore what reality is. Reality = people and situations as they are… It is what it is! Sometimes I think I know what reality is, but I delude myself. Meditation, prayer, and therapy are all ways to help explore ‘what is reality?’ A lot of our venting, lamenting and emotionality are really just resistance to reality.

So resistance would be ignoring reality. This is when we want things to be different than they are. Good physical health is enhanced by practicing certain choices and not making others. Eating more non-processed, organic and healthy foods, drinking filtered water, exercising, not smoking, addressing addictions are all choices to deal with the reality of taking care of our body.

Good emotional health is accepting people as they are, then deciding what to do about it. It’s being responsible for our own self and choosing people to be around that we enjoy and activities that we enjoy.

Good financial health is accepting the reality of what we make as income and living within that. Being responsible with what we do have makes life much easier. And, this reality might inspire us to return to school or make career changes.

The reality with our car and other possessions is that taking care of them will likely extend their life and value. You get the idea!!

So if there are realities related to our bodies, mental health, finances, etc, then resistance would be ignoring this. We would over eat, smoke, sit and veg a lot, get in debt, expect others to change so we will feel better. Hmm! Yes, I’m guessing we have all been part of this resistance movement at one time or another.

This doesn’t make anyone bad or good. It’s just that more skillful choices create less drama and problems and un-skillful or resistant choices create more drama and problems.

As a result, it’s much easier to dig ourselves out of a hole that’s smaller. The more we resist reality usually the bigger hole we dig. Then we lament how horrible the world is or how stupid we are. The idea of karma for me is that the more work you do to lead an uplifted, truthful life, the less karma (or baggage) you might have to carry. Sometimes we inherit the un-skillful choices from our family of origin or others close to us. But, the solution is the same: join the resistance to resistance.

Consider yourself a resistance fighter and wake up. Viva la revolution! When you resist resistance and make choices based on reality (or even begin to contemplate doing so), then good will triumph.

Intimacy

One of the earliest ideas I learned in graduate school was that people want to love and be loved and feel worthwhile to self and others. It’s a simple idea that has stayed with me over the years.

For me, TO LOVE means to learn who am I, to love and respect myself, and to have enough balance to know what I could change and grow to become even more balanced and healthy. Love does not bring sadness, pain, or suffering… so loving myself would involve choosing thoughts, behavior, experiences, and people that allow acceptance, self-awareness and light.

Intimacy with myself becomes ‘into me see,’ and I develop a closeness and friendship with Amy first. She becomes someone I care for, want to know, and treat with consideration. This doesn’t involve discounting others or being self-centered. It does involve getting close to what I call my God-essence, who I deeply am. What do I like, what not so much… what are my preferences?

Then, after self intimacy, I can be more successful with BE LOVED. Being loved involves relationships with other people — looking/seeing into them and letting them see into me.

How can I see into you when I cannot see into my own self? So the more I love, know and respect my own self, the more I can love, know and respect others. And the more I love myself, the stronger and safer I can feel to let others see into who I truly am.

I think it’s rare that we wake up wanting to have conflict or disagreements with others. But as we may not have loved ourselves or know how to, we can cross paths with others who also don’t really know or love themselves. Ka-blam!

From childhood, we often form an identity based on the lens of seeing ourselves through others. It can be very helpful to spend time reflecting or meditating on who we were as an infant, what messages we got as children and how that’s played out in our adult life. Through this process, often most successful when done with a teacher or guide, we can journey into joy- which is really the essence of who we all are.

Into me see: inside me and you is joy. Maybe it’s evident and maybe it’s clouded, but it’s there. As you journey, explore your own self. That’s a great adventure and a great discovery!

Eating Sugar

I once went to the emergency room for sugar and chocolate consumption. Mom sent my favorite Hershey’s fudge to me at Purdue. I loved that fudge – its firm sugary goodness… so addictive the way the granules melted in a chocolate sugar blob on my tongue.

Well, this experience was one I did NOT want to share. So in short order, I ate the whole tin. I have a mild mitral valve prolapse, which can be agitated by caffeine. This large intake of sugar and caffeine sent my heart racing. Former flutters seemed mild compared to the racing I felt after eating a whole batch of fudge. And, it wouldn’t slow down.

At the emergency room, I was informed they’d never seen anyone for sugar and chocolate consumption. Eventually my heartbeat calmed down. My love for the fudge has not yet subsided. But with maturity, I’ve been more cautious in my indulging (and my mom now gives me fudge in limited quantities).

Recently, my friend James shared a story of sugar. He recalled how a woman brought her daughter to see Gandhi. The mother asked the wise sage to tell her daughter to stop eating sugar. He met with them briefly and told the daughter to return in two weeks. In two weeks they returned. Gandhi told the daughter to stop eating sugar. “Why didn’t you tell me that two weeks ago?” the daughter asked. “Because two weeks ago, I was eating sugar,” Gandhi replied.

This morning I met with my friend Laurie, a fellow writer, therapist, and seeker. I was sharing how I’m sometimes frustrated when I teach lessons to my clients and they often learn the lessons and master things I have not yet. As I remember the Gandhi story though, it’s an encouragement. My mission is to do the best I can to learn what my own life work is and to practice that work regularly.

Maybe it’s through the movement into my own happiness and the repetition of teaching others, that I’ll continually wake up myself to the knowledge that life is sweet (no sugar added)!

Happy trails to change!

As I’ve been thinking of making changes in my own life, I’ve observed two tendencies in myself. First, when I achieve small goals I often minimize them and don’t feel much accomplishment. Second, when I don’t accomplish bigger goals I criticize myself and use the situation as proof that I can’t manifest change in my life. It’s a lose-lose!!

Realizing these thought patterns don’t serve me, I began to explore practical ways to motivate myself and get the changes I wanted. While researching one of my long time desires of hiking part of the Appalachian Trail, I noticed how different parts of the trail were marked with different difficulty levels… easy, moderate, advanced. Hmm!

Pulling out a pen and my journal, I began to list things I wanted to accomplish- my intentions for this year. After making the list, I scanned it and meditated on the difficulty level of each one. Amazingly and thankfully, several of the intentions were relatively easy. To me, the easy level would be something where I was more in control and could get quick results. Exercising, dancing, taking my supplements were all easy really.

Teaching classes on essential oils, traveling more, decreasing debt and increasing savings were moderate difficulty. For me this meant they wouldn’t require a long-term sustained effort, but they would not be something I could completely achieve this week or month. The moderate difficulty goals would take more focused attention and more effort.

Lastly were the advanced or more challenging tasks- as seen through my eyes. Getting a newer car, improving my work situation, writing a book would take the most consistent intention and effort. I would have to stay very focused and have continued deliberate changes in my actions to bring about these changes.

There have been times in life when I’ve felt I could accomplish anything, but for the past few years I’ve been in a wimpier mode. In my own mind, I’ve felt limited, confused, jealous, downtrodden… blah blah. But as I explore the idea that I am responsible for my own life changes, and I start making the easiest changes regularly, my attitude and strength have improved. As I hike through life, it seems there are easier patches and steeper, more challenging parts of the journey. Every day in every way, I’m getting stronger and going the places I want to go! Maybe I’ll meet you there!!

Priorities

An over-achiever, I started my New Year’s resolutions early today by meditating, eating a healthy breakfast, taking a hike at Kanawha Forest, swinging on the swings, and doing a cardio workout at the Y. Will I keep it up?

The answer will likely depend on what I value, what I make a priority. Often, I hear people lament their lack of time to do things. I may have other excuses, but rarely do I use that one. I realized a long time ago that we have a tendency to make time for the things or people we want to make time for.

Instead of making a list of resolutions, it might be more beneficial to ponder what you really value. If you value savings more than eating out, it will be easier to put some money back. If you value good physical health, then you’d be more likely to find time to exercise and eat healthy. If you value good mental health, then making choices to live the life you want to live would send you in that direction.

I love the idea of writing down those things you want to release… hurts, people, regrets. Then focus your mind on what’s really your priority and make the behavioral changes to do it. That way when you and I meet again here next year, we’ll both feel lighter, more fulfilled and the apocalypse will have happened. The world we once lived in will be gone, transformed into the foundation of a great new beginning.

Allowing

Several years ago, while undertaking spiritual direction with Catholic sisters, I learned of lectio divina – a divine reading of the Word…

http://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lectio_Divina

As opposed to the ‘Let’s hurry up and read the entire Bible in a certain time frame,” lectio divina involves picking a story or passage and reading it aloud – often three times. Then there is a meditation on the reading to see what image, word or thought comes up in your mind.

The birth of Jesus is a wonderful passage to read in this style. Starting with the angel visitation, I found it interesting that in a short period of time Mary was both 1) troubled and 2) accepting. In short course she says, “Let it be unto me according to thy word,” to the angel visiting her.

Mary was allowing God to work in her life and make her the bearer of Jesus. I often find myself trying and trying to make things work in my life, as opposed to allowing them to unfold.

I doubt Mary woke up that morning expecting an angel visitation informing her she was with child. It’s pretty shocking really. But Mary was apparently an unusual lass, who God apparently knew well enough to trust with such a scandalous mission.

This all leads me to wonder how prepared I am to let divine order ( joy, wisdom, peace) into my life. Just like the Chinese finger trap, sometimes trying too hard just leaves me more stuck. Instead I see a call to allow… this means doing my work to live an uplifted, honest life. It also means not trying so hard to force things, and instead creating an inner space where angels (in whatever form they take) can get my attention and bring good tidings!

An Outlaw’s Guide to In-laws: Holiday edition

It’s that time of year again. If my therapy office is ever quiet, it isn’t during the holiday season. It seems that normal stresses get magnified during the period after Halloween until New Year’s and sometimes lasting through Valentine’s or Mother’s Day! Yikes: that’s a lot of time lost to stress and dis-stress!!

It seemed only right for me to offer a public service guide to managing this time of year, when both expectations and disappointments seem to grow exponentially.

Let’s start with a definition:

out·law/ˈoutˌlô/
Noun:
A person who has broken the law, esp. one who remains at large or is a fugitive.

For the purposes of this expedition, we’re going to use the word ‘outlaw’ to encourage readers that it’s okay to break whatever family laws no longer suit you. Keep in mind, members of your posse may want to run you off, hang you or tie you up. But you’re going to learn how to live beyond the holiday laws you may have inherited… just the ones that leave your stomach feeling like it ate a cold can of beans cooked on a dirty campfire griddle.

The first step to being a holiday outlaw is to decide what you want out of the holidays. Intention is a big chunk of the issue. Do you want to lasso and hogtie some family member and finally convince them you are right? If you said “Yes!” then expect a shoot out at the ‘I’m Okay BUT You’re Not Okay Corral.’

Or you could set an intention for inner peace. Even a dangerous outlaw like you could use a little seasonal inner tranquility. Don’t let family get togethers draw you into a duel – sometimes the best fight is no fight. A wise outlaw knows when to put their gun away. Think about how accepting others and then deciding how you want to act could change the whole drama.

If you’re traveling to foreign territory, plan an activity you’d enjoy. Visit someplace on the way or while there that would bring you pleasure. What or where is your company store… the place to get the gingham fabric or lollipops?

Sometimes others won’t like it if you want to go your own way. You can invite them along or reassure them
that you’ll do something together when you return. Visiting family long distance doesn’t mean you’re a captive.

Whether you’re staying at your own campsite or traveling to another, take provisions. Does this mean taking your own sheets, blankets, pillows, food? Well only if those things would make your expedition more pleasurable. Beyond that, put things that nourish you in your saddlebag- a candle or incense, a good book or your music, snacks you love, whatever will bring a smile when your outlaw in-laws are driving you to stick hot pokers in your eyes!!

If you stay at home, set limits and delegate. If your homestead is the gang’s destination, set a schedule – even if it’s a loose one. Include activities and down time that meet the needs of your visiting cowhands. Think about who likes to do what and assign tasks for people to complete – whether it’s dicing carrots or walking your dog, people will often help if asked nicely. If not, it’s to the stockade for them.

If you’re a more lonesome cowboy or cowgirl, don’t fret. Think of all the shoot outs you’re thankfully missing. All adventures differ, so make yours enjoyable. Remember holidays are just opportunities to have time off (hopefully) and a way for you to reflect on your blessings and desires. Think less of how things “should” be. Think more of that cowhand sitting by the campfire, hat tipped over eyes, chewing a blade of grass… ponder what trails you want to follow and use the time to map that out.

The best training to become a holiday outlaw is to know that you’re on a trail… it’s a happy trail. Or at least it can be. Take the holiday law into your own hands, then you’ll feel at home whether you’re really at home or out on the range!

Speaking a foreign (love) language!

At this year’s library book sale, I found a copy of the book “The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate.” I’d heard of the book before, and at the super sale price picked it up.

I’m a buyer/reader beware of self-help books… people close to me know I can find them addictive. But they’re often a way to obtain useful information you may not have thought of or learned before. I was pleasantly pleased to find some useful wisdom in Gary Chapman’s book.

As the holiday and gift-giving season is upon us, the book reminded me of the importance of really knowing what the people you love want. In other words, what is their love language?

I’ve always wanted (or so I’ve said) to learn a foreign language. As I’ve gotten older, it’s seemed more elusive. But speaking someone else’s love language can be as elusive! And just like learning Spanish or German, it takes practice.

Every year amongst my family, friends and therapy clients, I hear of people who are unhappy with their gifts… and relationships. I also hear people say, “Give what you’d like to receive.”

I must say I agree with “Give what you like to receive.” And I’ll add, “Give it to yourself!” But when it comes to others, give after learning their love language.

According to the book, Gary Chapman identifies five love languages. They are:

1) Words of affirmation,
2) Quality time,
3) Receiving gifts,
4) Acts of service, and
5) Physical touch.

Check his website for more info:

http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

It’s pretty clear what each ‘language’ means. The goal is to explore what affirms, refreshes, encourages and connects with those you love. You can observe what they respond to or even ask. With a little reflection, you can probably easily figure it out.

Knowing someone’s love language, as well as your own, can save hurt feelings, returns, wasted money and time and even relationships. Learning to speak love languages can make your holidays and special days more peaceful and joyful. That’s a gift everyone will enjoy! Adios!

Mind control

You’ve been brainwashed! I’ve been brainwashed! Seriously! We don’t have to be in a cult to experience mind control. It’s just part of being human. From our day of birth, we are all exposed to other’s beliefs and values. Depending on where we are born, and to who and during what period in time affects us. The only problem with this is if we don’t know it!

It took me many years to realize that part of becoming a mature adult is deciding what I’ve been taught that I believe and what I don’t believe. As I’ve come to understand I don’t have to believe all the things I’ve been taught, it’s been very liberating.

Sometimes it seems easiest to throw out everything we’ve been taught OR accept everything we’ve been taught. But again, maturity is weeding out what resonates or connects with each of us and what doesn’t.

As I work through this process, it involves knowing and strengthening my own mind. I’ve come to have more tolerance for myself in this process of sifting through my thoughts related to beliefs and values and deciding which to keep. After all, deprogramming can be difficult work.

I’m thankful for a few good teachers who have helped me practice healthy thinking. I’m thankful I was programmed or compelled to question and have a rebellious streak. I’m also thankful that I live in a time and culture where I have the freedom to find my own mind and not be faced with prison or death for thinking differently.

While hiking today, I saw a “Do not enter” sign. Often, these kinds of things catch my attention and I ponder what message there could be for me. In this case, the sign reminded me not to enter the path of rigid, negative and limited thought, but to continually aspire to open, positive and expansive thinking!